If you are looking for stillbirth support, you’re in the right place. In a world that is severely lacking in stillbirth support, it can be difficult to find resources or even people who have experience stillbirth and can help.
Stillbirth… it’s a weird word. Born, but not living. A baby, but not a celebration. What’s supposed to be the best day of a mother’s life turned upside down.
Stillbirth is never something I thought would be a part of my story, and yet it is and now always will be. It brought me my precious son, and took him all in the same day. It’s heart-wrenching, uncomfortable, and a grief and heartache like I’ve never known.
I’ll share my story in another post soon, but for now, I wanted to share a few things I wish people knew about stillbirth. Whether you have experiencing your own stillbirth, or you are walking through it with a family member or friend, my hope for this post is that it help you know what to expect and how to provide support in what is truly an impossible and heartbreaking situation.
Be Present
I cannot tell you how many people kind of just disappeared when my son was stillborn. The very same people who were constantly asking for pregnancy updates suddenly vanished and no one wanted to acknowledge that my baby had been born, even though he had died.
Stillbirth, and death in general, is super uncomfortable in our society and I truly think people thought they were “doing me a favor” by “not reminding me” what happened. Yikes.
But the truth is that I was never going to forget what happened. I needed support in those early days, people to love on me and cry with me. Just having people acknowledge the trauma I was walking through meant so much.
I will never forget those who showed up to the hospital, cried with me, prayed with me, brought gifts for myself and my baby who was no longer living.
And especially those who kept checking on us, scheduled coffee dates just to chat, and those who were not afraid or put off by my grief or sadness. It meant more than I can ever say.
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Take Something Off Their Plate
Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try just offering support without asking. I know I was in such a fog that I didn’t know what I needed. Things that people did for me which were super helpful were bringing meals or sending gift cards for food, and picking things up from the store for me so I didn’t have to go out myself.
I preferred most people drop a meal at the door and just text me but a few close friends and family were welcome to come in and keep us company. Food gift cards were even better because they could leave them in the mailbox and we could use them as needed.
Part of our story you may not know is that my son who was stillborn was also a twin. So during this time, we were traveling back and forth to the NICU to be with our living child. Gas gift cards were a great way of taking something off our plates and much appreciate as well.
Yes, having one living child in the NICU while making funeral arrangements for the other was quite literally like having your heart and soul ripped in half. I will share more of this unique experience in another post soon.
I didn’t want to go out to the grocery store or places where I might run into acquaintances who either knew what happened and I’d have a full blown ugly cry in the cereal aisle. Or worse yet, people who didn’t know and asked about my baby since I was no longer pregnant.
I also had a friend deep clean my house without asking me. I would have absolutely told her NO if she asked. But I was incredibly appreciative when I came home from the hospital and realized my entire house had been deep cleaned.
Acknowledge the Baby
This kind of goes with being present, but it was and still is so appreciated when people acknowledge that my son, Jace, was and still is my child. I especially love it when people use his name. A stillbirth mom’s worst nightmare is NOT someone bringing up her baby and making her sad… because the truth is that she never forget that her baby died.
A stillbirth mom’s worst nightmare is actually that her baby is forgotten. That she is the only one who remembers or thinks of her baby. Letting the mom know that you think of her baby in small ways goes a long way. A few things I loved in addition to people using his name were receiving handwritten cards with notes several months down the road, small gifts with his name on it, and even just people bringing him up in conversation and asking questions about him (obviously not prying questions and only from close friends and family). Questions such as who do you think he looked most like? Do you think he would have been like this or that? What do you think he would have enjoyed? Those types of questions.
I had a friend who surprised me with an ornament with my baby’s name on it right before what should have been his first Christmas. I still remember that small gesture of kindness. It meant so much to me that I recently did the same for someone close to me who also experienced stillbirth with her son.
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Phrases to Avoid
Yikes on bikes you all! Some very well-meaning people said some of the most AWFUL THINGS! I know grief is uncomfortable and makes us all act a little weird. However, there are some common phrases that are just not helpful when someone is grieving.
“God needed another angel.”
No, He didn’t. God doesn’t “need” any of us. But momma needed her baby, here, with her.
“It was part of God’s plan.”
I struggled with this one the most as a Christian and here’s what I finally landed on. I don’t believe a good and loving God plans to take a mom’s baby and destroy her heart. However, I do believe that God knows each person’s days of life ahead and time. He knew my son’s days of life would not exceed his days in my belly. I believe my son was gifted to me, because God knew I would love him all of his life, all of my life, and into eternity.
“It wasn’t meant to be.”
This is another yucky one. Don’t tell someone their baby wasn’t meant to be. Reverse this phrase and use it on yourself and apply to any loss of a person and it’s just not okay to say. That’s something you say about a job, not a baby. Okay?
“You can try again.”
This is just insensitive and insinuates the baby is replaceable. Even if you don’t mean it that way, please don’t say this. Let the mom grieve this baby and honor them in any way she feels is right. The, if she chooses, she may have another baby one day. But that doesn’t erase this baby’s life or the hopes and dreams she had specifically for them.
Go at Their Pace
Being present doesn’t mean running to this person’s side and staying right there. That might be overbearing for some people. The amount of support someone needs from you may depend on your relationship and level of closeness before stillbirth.
Also, everyone handles this differently so it’s important to follow their lead and let them set the pace. You can do this by just being available and “keeping the door open.” This might look like: keeping an open line of communication, not being put off or weirded out by their grief, and being willing to talk, listen, laugh or cry with them.
Not everyone will be ready for visitors and questions. Saying things like, “I’m here to listen when you need me,” can go a long way. It’s also important to balance being present and showing up with giving them space. Not everyone wants to cry in front of others. I know I didn’t.
But I did appreciate friends and family who brought food or coffee over and were willing to sit with me, if I wanted. I equally appreciated texts that let me know they were thinking of me so I could respond when I had space or felt ready… and didn’t have to be face to face with them if that’s not what I needed.
If you choose to send texts, it’s also nice to preface with telling them you do not expect a response. They still may choose to respond, but it’s a nice way of making sure you are not burdening them with more to do by expecting a reply if they don’t have the bandwidth in that moment.
Know It’s A Lifelong Journey
As long as love for their baby exists, so will their grief. That means it’s not going away. There’s no time limit on grief after stillbirth but that doesn’t mean it won’t change and look different in different seasons. Don’t expect the person to be “over it” or “back to normal” after a certain amount of time.
The truth is, they will never be over it and they are not going back to normal. They are finding a new way forward and a new way of living.
This doesn’t mean they will be sad all the time for the rest of their life. They will find rhythms and ways of navigating the pain and learn to live with it, rather than get over it.
As someone who is 6 years down the road from saying goodbye to my stillborn son, I miss him daily. Yes, daily. I don’t break down and cry daily, but I think of him often. I certainly still have days where I cry and I am caught off guard. The grief sneaks up on me and knocks me down. Just yesterday I found myself welling up with tears as someone shared their journey with infertility and miscarriage at church.
Grief is an ever-changing journey and most days I hold it together just fine on the outside. That doesn’t mean I’m not hurting inside. Some days I think about my son lovingly and without tears. Other days, it hits me like a brick wall and I’m sobbing.
All of this is normal for someone who has experienced stillbirth. All emotions are valid and there will be a wide range of them.
Resources
If you or someone you know is navigating stillbirth, here are a few resources you may want to know about.
Molly Bears: They provide free weighted teddy bears to families who have experienced stillbirth. The special part is, they weigh the same as your baby and can be personalized with their name on it. Our hospital gave us a voucher for ours but if you didn’t receive that or you want to help someone else get one, check out their website for how to get yours.
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Photography: They provide newborn photography for families who have experienced stillbirth. Our hospital set this up the same day our baby was delivered, but not all hospitals will do this. It’s a great resource to know about if you ever need it, though I hope you don’t.
Devotionals: I’ve linked below a few devotionals that you may consider for yourself or as gifts for someone navigating stillbirth.
Let Me Know Your Thoughts
I hope you found this post helpful if you or someone you know is navigating stillbirth. I’d love to know if there’s anything you would add. Feel free to leave a comment and let me know. We are all always learning and growing together. 🙂
Love and blessings,
Megan
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